Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
I never really got this until I started doing “The Work” by Katie Byron. The Work is four simple questions that we can ask about any situation that is bothering us.
1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true?
3. How do I act or behave when I think this thought?
4. How would I act or who would I be without this thought?
Then she offers two ways to turnaround the painful thought. The first is the reverse the thought; the second is to apply the thought to “you” instead of “them”. Then ask which is truer.
Let’s give this a try. My frustrating thought lately has been…“the kids won’t be okay without me” regarding my nephew and his family moving to Texas.
1. Is this true? At first glance, yes. They took the kids away from their home and their extended family to move somewhere they have no support. I was a great influence in their life.
2. Is this absolutely true? When I dig deeper, I have to admit that their parents weren’t very happy here and if they can be happier in Texas, maybe that’s even better for the kids.
3. How do I behave when I think this thought? I get very emotional when I think about not being there for the kids, and then I am judgmental of my nephew and his choices.
4. How would I act if I couldn’t think this thought? I would know that the kids will be just fine without me, I would be more supportive, I would judge less, be more open.
Then the reverse turn around statement “The kids will be okay without me.” Which is truer. I do believe that kids are resilient and that I will still be an influence in their life. So I think the turnaround statement is truer.
Then the other turnaround statement is “I won’t be okay without the kids.” Which is truer? By the complete emotional reaction I’m having to that statement – I can tell you it is more true that my pain is coming from the fact that the kids were such a source of joy in my life – I haven’t been proactive about replacing what I’m missing.
Not that the kids can actually be replaced – but the time that I spent with them can be spent doing other things that bring me joy. I haven’t given a lot of thought to that until now.
And that my friends is the work! If you liked this exercise, I encourage you to get the book “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.
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