So it’s January 17th and I have a question for you:  How are you doing on your New Year’s Resolutions?

I once heard a shocking statistic that over 80% of all New Year’s Resolutions are broken within 72 hours.  I don’t know if that is accurate or not but I can tell you it lines up with my experience with making resolutions.

So with my own “failure” as the motivation, I created a new way of starting a New Year powerfully.  It has worked very well for me for the last few years and since I believe in “not fixing what ain’t broken,” I’d like to share them with you!

First, set aside about 30-minutes and get a nice NEW, clean notebook or journal to write in and a pen you love to write with.  (New Year’s should be about getting rid of tolerations, so why start with a blotchy, crappy pen?

Once you’re ready, write down:

1) Your Top 25 Accomplishments from the previous year.

Now sometimes I capture these throughout the year when I think of them, but the best thing for me is to look at my wall calendar where most significant events are captured.

Items that you’ve accomplished may include workshops attended, salary increases, weight releases, personal and professional goals accomplished, new activities, awards or recognition received.

But don’t forget things like new positive habits picked up, bad habits eliminated, relationships renewed or strengthened. If you’re not too hard on yourself, you’ll find 25 easy to come up with.

The first year I did this, I got to include belly-dancing and skiing as new activities that I considered to be quite an accomplishment.  This past year, I finally took a 2-day spa retreat all by myself and released 22 pounds.  Both things I had “resolved” to do for years – finally accomplished!!

2) Top 10 Distractions from the previous year.

This is a tough one. Mostly because we don’t necessarily want to acknowledge what distracted us from our goals. (Also, this list is only pertinent if you have well-defined goals.)

But this is also one of the most valuable exercises because it is a great reminder for the year ahead to not let the same thing distract you again.

I’ll give you an example from my list. Ever since I started my own business, many opportunities come my way. I am very grateful for these and in the beginning, when I was unclear about the direction of my business, I went down the path of quite a few opportunities that didn’t turn out to be right for me. I failed to evaluate them properly from the beginning.

When these showed up on my list of distractions a couple years in a row (they all looked different at the time!) it was a huge lesson staring me in the face – and I was much better this past year about letting erroneous opportunities take me off course.

So capture your distractions. These may include other people, worries, conflicting priorities, lack of organization, or lack of boundaries.

3) The Top 10 Goals for the New Year.

This should be fun to complete. This is your time to plan the next year and what you want on your list of accomplishments at the end of it. This is not the time to beat yourself up over everything you didn’t complete last year. Let that stuff go. Resist putting it on your list again unless it’s something you really, really want to do.

Besides your professional goals (salary, new job, more clients, etc.) and personal goals (lose weight, less travel, etc.) don’t forget some PLAY goals.

My list of 10 Goals usually contains 4 professional or financial goals, 3 self-development or improvement goals, and 3 fun goals.

And I’m a big proponent of the goals being specific and measurable. And realistic for you.

Then do you know the next step? Create some momentum around your goals by getting into immediate action.  There is power in momentum. There is also power in speaking your commitment. If there is something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time and haven’t spoken it to anyone – that is one indication that it will go undone again.

Next, find an accountability partner, a coach, or a friend to share your goal with. And then tell them how you like to be supported. A gentle word of encouragement, a friendly email reminder, more regimented support? Everyone is different so help them help you!

Lastly, if you’ve come up with any juicy goals for yourself, share them on our blog and I’ll share with you my juiciest goal for the year!!

Q: Hi Nancy! I just became a Director in my direct sales company. While I’m thrilled, I’m also a bit scared because I see a lot of women make Director but then fall short afterward. I’m wondering why this happens and how I can ensure it won’t happen to me. ~ Jennifer Fox

A: That’s a great question and I’m so glad you’re thinking of this scenario now, so you can avoid against it. I think there are a couple of reasons why someone might reach a goal and then backtrack and it happens with everything from weight loss to business growth.

First, there is the “There, I’m done” syndrome. It happens when we adopt behaviors to reach a goal that we do not enjoy and we really can’t sustain long-term. So when we reach the goal, we stop doing the behaviors that got us there. We see this a lot with the women we coach in your company. Once they hit Director, they stop working their personal business and pay too much attention to their new team. Not that you shouldn’t be building your team – but it’s a balancing act. So the solution is look at your behaviors that got you where you are and make a commitment to continue them even now that you’ve hit your goal.

Second, there is the “Terror Barrier.” This is something we learned from our coach, David Neagle, and it explains exactly why we revert to old, self-defeating habits and behavior. Once you hit a certain level of success (or income, or weight) if your new state doesn’t match your sub-conscious belief of what you deserve, you will unconsciously sabotage yourself. And since the sub-conscious mind controls about 96 to 98% of our behavior (sad but true!), even if you conscious mind wants to sustain the goal, the sub-conscious wins out.

The first step is to become aware of this phenomenon. The second step is, when you get to the point that you want to stop, to push yourself to take action NO MATTER WHAT. That is the only way to defeat the insidiousness of the sub-conscious mind.

I wish I had the room to go into the full explanation of this but it would require pages and pages. We go into this topic in much detail in our Think Pink & Grow Rich coaching program. I would encourage you to check it out.

I’m no relationship expert. Not by a long shot. But I’ve had my fair share, observed and studied many, and make my living as a behavioral analyst. So expert or no, I have some lessons to share.

There are things I have been guilty of doing and when I look around, I see other women (and some men) make these same mistakes. So without further ado…here are three more lessons I’ve learned about relationships.

1) Don’t expect your partner to be you. One of the biggest mistakes we make in life, let alone in relationships, is expecting others to act, react and respond to things the way we do. In particular, I’ve observed that many women expect men to notice the things they do – which is usually every little thing!

I can tell you from personal experience that men don’t notice half of what women notice. (Generalization? You betcha!) Just ask a man to go fetch a bottle of anything from the fridge. Or to find something in a closet. I recently had a ton of stuff for my house “hidden” in my trunk to surprise my beau. He went to put something in there one day and I panicked “Oh no, he’s going to see the stuff I bought.” Nope, didn’t even see it.

I share this not to pick on men but to raise awareness that if you think your partner or husband is just leaving the dirty glasses around the house to annoy you, he isn’t. He just doesn’t see them. Or if he does see them, he doesn’t react the same way to them. They don’t bother him. He isn’t you!

2) Don’t let resentment build! In the past, whenever something bothered me, this was my M.O.

• Start by making hints and suggestions (which may included subtle shifts in body language, “the stare”, or casual, indirect comments)
• Then proceed to the silent treatment (if I’m not talking – of course he’ll understand what he did wrong)
• On to sarcasm (which is the first indication he might realize something is wrong although he probably won’t know what it is)
• And finally, explode with some accusatory comment

The problem I’ve realized is that men usually don’t pick up on the first two. So while we get more and more frustrated, they tend to be oblivious to our ever-growing-resentment.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to say, “Honey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. I would love it if you could do Z instead.” The lesson for me is when I do this with no blame or anger, the results are usually what I wanted – a change in behavior. The difference is I made a request from a neutral place. I didn’t blame, complain, whine or cry.

3) Be ridiculously loyal to one another in public. I see so many couples tease, be sarcastic and outright attack each other in front of other people. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone else and I’m convinced it’s cancer for a relationship.

In our relationship, we noticed our tendency to be sarcastic with each other early on. I issued a challenge. “Let’s not be that couple. Let’s be absolutely loving, loyal and positive with each other when with our friends and family.”

Why did we set this boundary for public interaction? Because it’s more likely to happen in public (the need to be cool or have something to say) and go unchecked (we may not want to defend ourselves because we’ll look overly sensitive).

Have we been perfect? Nope. Just one example: I recently slipped in front of my girlfriends and said something sarcastic to him. He let it go in the moment. But because of our commitment, he was able to call me out on the behavior later on. At that point, all I could do was apologize.

*BONUS LESSON* When s*x and affection wane, question why. I’m not saying we should panic when the inevitable cooling off period occurs in our relationships. That is normal for even the best relationships.

I’m saying that when all of a sudden s*x and affection become less frequent, something to fit in, something you start to avoid (or just don’t seek out) – at least do yourself the favor of asking “WHY?”

T.M.I. AHEAD (only read this if you know me really well) – When I was in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationship, things in this area were awesome. So it came as a surprise to both of us when things suddenly cooled off.  I think the tendency was to explain it away as the normal cooling off period. 

However, we came to find out that I was guilty of #1 and #2.  I had expectations of him that were unrealistic and I wasn’t communicating them – the resentment was building. 

When he and I were able to clear the air, it is amazing how our, ummm, activity rebounded.  We now know that when we aren’t feeling connected either physically or emotionally, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart to see what may not be getting communicated. 

And the lessons just keep coming!  At this rate, I may need to write a book

Q: Nancy, I’m dealing with a situation that I’m sure is pretty common but I don’t know where to go for help. I own my own home-based business and although my husband says he supports me, lately he has been make sarcastic comments about me not working enough or not bringing in any money. I do work and I do make money but probably neither at the level he wants. How do I make him realize this discourages me further and makes me want to work even less? ~ Janet

A: Hi Janet, well you picked a perfect time to write since this week’s article is about relationships. And as we know, money is the number one thing couples fight about. (Stay tuned next week. We’re bringing you an audio program about this exact topic!) So you’re right. Yours is a common challenge from what we hear from our coaching clients.

To answer your question, I’m going to make a couple of assumptions – if that’s okay.

First, your husband was probably on board in the beginning and had expectations about your work and income based on what you told him was possible.

Second, you have become discouraged (maybe by a difference in what you thought you would make and what you are really making) and are not working your business to the level YOU know you should be. (Carefully re-read your last sentence in your question to me)

Third, this is really about your own disappointment and frustration and your husband is simply the mirror for that – reflecting it back to you.

So as much as you may have liked me to tell you to “throw the bum out”, I’m not going to deal with the effect of the problem – let’s deal with the cause – your own discouragement.

From coaching business owners for almost 10 years, I can tell you one of the number one reasons why businesses fail. (95% within the first 5 years) It’s not under-capitalization like some claim.

It’s that the owners are not willing or able to push through the FEAR that keeps them from promoting and selling their services. Are you calling your prospects and customers at the level you should be? I’d bet the farm that you’re not.

Instead of getting hung up on your husband being non-supportive, turn your attention to your own prospecting and sales activity. One thing that may help is our Fearless Prospecting System – Moving From Fear to Freedom In Just 30 Days.

Once you are taking the level of action you need to in your business, I bet your own self-judgments will go away, as will your husband’s.

I’m not perfect. There. I said it.

This probably isn’t a huge revelation for most people. It was for me. Somewhere in my history, I somehow came to believe that perfection was a requirement to being loved. I realize that sounds a bit dramatic but to a child that is how it seems when constantly criticized and corrected.

So imagine my surprise when one of the first lessons I learned in my relationship was that I’m not perfect. Damn…I was so hoping he wouldn’t notice.

1. I’M NOT PERFECT – Let’s admit it ladies. We are not easy to date. We have a lot of requirements, a lot of sensitivities, and a long list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. I was so busy comparing the men I dated to my standards, I didn’t give much thought to where I might be falling short.

Turns out, I too am capable of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, sarcasm, insensitivity and selfishness. It’s taken me this long to find someone who could point these things out in such a gentle, loving way that I didn’t have to get defensive. I just had to apologize. See #2.

2. IT TAKES HUMILITY AND COURAGE TO SAY I’M SORRY – The humility comes from actually having to admit we are wrong. After all, when you’re perfect, humility isn’t easy. The courage comes from pushing through the fear that your partner will either not accept your apology. Or worse, actually use your apology to further punish you.

Again, the right response from your partner (a loving acceptance) will actually make you feel better once you’ve apologized. It will leave you more willing to apologize in the future. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

3. TRUST AND RESPECT TRUMP LOVE – Isn’t love the grandest thing? After all, if we think about all the songs that have been written about love, it must be the most important thing in a relationship, right? Turns out, the love that most of us feel in a new relationship is an emotion (a fleeting one at that) and a chemical reaction (also temporary).

Paul Newman, when asked how he and his actress wife Joanne Woodward had survived so long in a “Hollywood” marriage, said, “We never fell out of love at the same time.”

Though that might have been just a good sound bite, I believe there is real truth to that. There is no way two people are going to wake up “in love” every day. It’s just not realistic – even in the best of relationships.

But trust and respect for each other, those are the qualities that every enduring relationship must have consistently. But like everything else, maintaining them takes time and attention.

I’ve heard it likened to a bank account in which you make deposits and withdrawals. If you don’t make enough deposits in your TRUST account, then one withdrawal can leave you with a deficit. Enough deficits in a relationship and you go bankrupt.

Men should like this. It’s simple addition and subtraction. No, that wasn’t a slam on men like they are unable to do more complicated functions. It’s just that I know they like things simple and logical – especially when it comes to understanding women who are a bit more, um, high maintenance in relationships.

I can admit that now. Now that I’m not perfect.

Q: I loved last week’s Q and A from the High S woman asking “Now that I know my style, what do I do with it?” It made me say, “Do me, do me, do me!!!” I’m a “D”. I’m thinking that because I’m results oriented and so if I don’t get the results I expect, I lose interest. I probably need to push through that? ~ KimberLee

A: Hi KimberLee, As you probably remember from my answer, the three steps to change are Awareness, Understanding and Reprogramming. It sounds like you are aware of your style and you may have an understanding of how this is holding you back in your business. But before we jump into the reprogramming part (isn’t that just like a D though?) let’s spend a little more time understanding exactly what you’re talking about.

When you say you don’t get the results you expect, is it because:

1. Your expectations are too high?
2. People don’t do what you expect?
3. You don’t do what you expect?

If  it’s 1 or 3, at least you have control over those. If it’s #2, that is something you don’t have control over. Let’s take a common scenario in your business. Let’s say you have a goal this month to do 20 recruiting interviews. Let’s see how these three questions play out.

1. 20 interviews is an ambitious goal. If you typically do 1 or 2 per month, is 20 realistic? Have you ever done anything close to this? Do you know anyone who has? What were their strategies and are you able to implement them?
2. Mary Jane cancels an interview with you at the last minute. That you have no control over. But you do have control over how you respond. Do you reschedule her right away? Spend the time making other calls?
3. When you have a goal or a project you want to get done, at what point do you stop? When it becomes hard? When something that looks easier comes along? Only you know the answer.

I would suggest you spend some time answering these questions and you may find some insight as to why you’re not getting the results you want – which of course, would have you lose interest!

We have something coming up you might be interested in. We’re doing a 4-part telecourse “How D-I-S-C Can Make You R-I-C-H”. In this telecourse, we’re going to delve into different strategies specifically for your DISC style. We’re offering it at a super low price of only $49. That price is only good until Monday though. So if you’re interested, You can find all the details by clicking this link.

I once read a quote that said, “The believer in creation has to explain the existence of one thing – suffering. The believer in evolution has to explain the existence of everything else.”

I resonated with this quote because I had been taught to believe in creation and thankfully, I was raised in a religion that had a very logical explanation for the existence of suffering (or so I thought at the time).

As I started to expand my world and separate from my former religious views, I was left with one challenge. How to explain why people suffer? This left me frustrated because without my former belief, how was I supposed to reconcile the suffering we see in the world with my belief in a loving Creator?

I’ve learned that if you sit with a question long enough, an answer will come. And so as I’ve pondered, studied and observed for years people and how they handle suffering, I’ve come to a theory I’d like to share.

I believe that we are supposed to do something with our suffering. It’s existence (and therefore our Creator’s allowance of it) means it has a purpose. Now I admit when we see some of the atrocities that take place in the world, it is difficult to grasp this. Which is why I think so many people don’t.

But if you’re open to it, here is what I think we do with our suffering depending on where we are on the path to “Enlightenment.”

1. Become a perpetrator. Most people who perpetrate violence and inflict pain on others were violated themselves in some way. It is a fact that most sexual predators were victims of sexual abuse themselves. This is NOT a justification for the behavior. It is the darkest thing you can do with your own suffering.
2. Become a victim. Let me be clear. If you suffered any kind of abuse at the hands of someone, you were a victim. Whether you continue to be a victim of that abuse is up to you. Victimization takes two forms – passive and active. Passive victims bury their suffering in denial and repression. Active victims suffer emotionally by continuing to replay the abuse for anyone who will listen (including therapists!).
3. Excuse it. This is where religion is helpful. Satan, the Devil, or whatever the existence of evil is in your interpretation that makes us suffer until salvation comes. While this isn’t the most empowering reason for suffering, it at least gives the believer a reason to explain it and a hope that it will eventually end when the source of the wickedness is destroyed or removed.
4. Learn from it. This is where enlightenment begins when you can recognize the good in what happened. Many times when we come through a difficult experience, we find ourselves stronger than we believed, in gratitude of what we have, and determined to focus on the good that comes into our lives. As great as this stage is, it isn’t the highest form of enlightenment.
5. Teach from it. The highest form of enlightenment is when you can take your suffering, detach from the personal wounds and use your experience as a catalyst to help others who are suffering the same thing. I can think of a long list of people who have done this. Survivors of genocide, child abuse, cancer, natural disasters, or violent attacks who have all gone on to use their experience to help others. Some even come out of the experience thankful for it.

Believe me, I know this is hard concept to grasp. Especially because with this theory we can’t see the end in sight. If there isn’t a Nirvana (or Paradise or Heaven) where suffering won’t exist anymore, what’s the solution?

I believe that the more we become enlightened (healing from our wounds and teaching others) and the more we help others become enlightened, the less suffering will be perpetuated. Yes, the focus is now on our own personal growth and responsibility.

Many people we coach wonder about their purpose and why they are here. I believe this theory points us to our purpose. Or as I once heard a very wise woman once say, “Make your mess your message.”

In the last issue, I shared some guidelines for assisting you in discovering your mission. These included:

      A) Your mission is not your job or business.
      B) If it has no passion, it’s not your mission.
      C) Your mission will help heal your wounds.

During a trip to Colorado several years ago, I got a phone call we all dread, hearing that shaky voice on the other end say “something terrible has happened.” At first, I thought it was my parents considering that they are both in their eighties.

Instead I found out that a family I grew up next to had a son that had committed suicide. I knew him from birth and babysat him until he was about 6 or 7 when I moved away. He was 20 when he took his own life.

As all the emotions washed over me, I had this thought pop into my head “He didn’t know his purpose.” I knew this young man had struggled in school, with authority, and with finding a place where he belonged. He had amazing gifts that he didn’t know how to use and anger he didn’t know how to resolve.

That’s why knowing your purpose can be so powerful. It can make sense of your challenges and suffering. Once you realize you’ve endured what you’ve endured in order to help others, it can give you a different perspective…one of appreciation rather than sorrow or regret.

I know that’s been true for me. I promised last time that I would share with you how discovering my purpose has helped me overcome a lot in my upbringing.

As you may know, I was raised in a very strict, religious, male-dominated family. I didn’t have a lot of control or freedom over my choices. Many things were decided for me. Who I could associate with, whether I could go to college (I couldn’t) and what career options were available.

Most decisions were based on the belief that the world as we know it is coming to an end. Armageddon is “around the corner” so pursuing college, a career, financial success, even having children was discouraged.

After high school, I was cleaning offices and homes for a living. I was to be content with “sustenance and covering” and wishing for more was considered vanity. And yet I can remember cleaning conference rooms in office buildings and daydreaming of myself teaching or training a group of people in those rooms.

After quite a few years and quite a few jobs later, I had the opportunity to take a position as an Office Manager for a small consulting company. One of their senior consultants, and my first mentor, saw potential in me that I barely saw in myself. She kept encouraging me to think about my purpose.

At first I thought my purpose was to have fun. That’s it. That’s what I want my life to be about. Then she asked me what the greatest compliment was I had ever received.

I told her that when my niece’s friends would meet me and say “Oh you’re the fun aunt” or “They always talk about how cool you are” that made me feel awesome. So that was it – being fun and cool, right?

Then she asked me to visualize my own funeral (here we go again). All my nieces are gathered around. When it comes time for them to share what I meant to them, they say “She was the best aunt. She was so cool. We always had so much fun with her.”

“That’s it? That’s all you want them to say about you?”

“Heck no!” I gasped. “I want them to say that I helped them, that I was there for them, that I inspired them to be more and do more than they thought they could. That I helped them overcome challenges so they could have amazing lives.”

“I think you just found your purpose” she said.

I eventually wrote my mission statement as “To inspire others to lead an uncompromised life”.

As you can see, it fits the criteria of “your purpose healing your wounds.” By helping other people shake off the limitations (self-imposed or otherwise) and challenges that have held them back, I continue to help myself do the same.

Here is more criteria for your purpose or mission:

• Your mission will encompass both your business and your personal life.
• You may already be living your mission at some level.
• Your mission is based in action and based on serving others.
• Your mission will force you to grow outside your comfort zone.

Why not set aside some quiet time, away from the hustle and bustle of your daily routine, to think about your purpose, what you think it is and how you could best express it right now. Remember, you mission doesn’t have to be fulfilled in any specific job, role, business, or location.

But it does have to be fulfilled. Your happiness depends on it!

This article is dedicated to “EK” Rivard, a beautiful boy and young man who definitely left this earth before his time.

Q: I recently attended your “Overcome Call Reluctance Workshop” in Wisconsin. I found the DISC presentation very informative and eye-opening. My question is, now what do I do with the information? I’m an S-C trying to build a business so I’m sure it makes sense that I’m asking this question! ~ Michelle

A: Hi Michelle! Yes, it does make sense that you’re asking the question, “now what?” And it’s a great question. While some people think DISC is the answer, it’s really just a tool for awareness. And as you learned at the workshop, Awareness is only the first step to change. The second step is Understanding and the third is Reprogramming.

Once you’ve identified you’re style, and it’s limitations, the next thing is to understand how this is holding you back in your business.

As an S-C, my guess is your natural introversion and risk-aversion probably has you hold back from selling and recruiting new prospects.

The third step is reprogramming – the most difficult part. The very next time you notice yourself holding back, you must make the decision to push through your fear. It’s ironic but fear never goes away until you do the thing you’re afraid of. You might need to get some coaching and accountability to do this, but this is how you change what’s not working!

We have something coming up you might be interested in. We’re doing a teleclass on DISC – Going Beyond the Basics. We’re going to help you understand how your DISC style impacts 4 major areas in your business – Your Finances, Time Management, Building Your Team and Making Sales. Stay tuned for that announcement!

Q: I was wondering if maybe you may have some tips for approaching people because I’m not quite sure what would be a way to get names and numbers. I have tried a few different things and they work okay but not great.

Thank you so much for everything!! ~ Lauren

A: Hi Lauren! One thing I did when I was generating leads for some of our clients in Mary Kay was I would sit at Starbucks with my laptop and when an impressive woman or someone with a distinct feature would come in, I would get in line behind them and strike up a conversation while we were waiting for our drinks. (sometimes I would just order water!)

I would say “you have the nicest skin” or “you have beautiful eyes, have you ever been asked to be a face model for Mary Kay?” I only complimented them on something I really admired – so it was genuine. And most women were very appreciative of the compliment. And most gave me their number!

I also wear a pin of Mary Kay on a black cardigan sweater and most weeks, one or two women will ask “Is that your grandmother?” I always say “I wish…cause if she was, I’d be a millionaire!” Then that starts a conversation about Mary Kay.

What we tend to find is that if you detach yourself from the result (I have to give them my card or I have to get them to say yes!) most people are natural at striking up casual conversations. So release the pressure and go out and be yourself!