I know this time of year, everyone encourages you to be thankful for the good in your life.  Holidays, by their very definition, should be a time of reflection and gratitude.

So how is it that this time of year sometimes becomes the craziest of all?  Relatives to visit, parties to attend, extra meals to make, visitors, and let’s not forget – THE GIFTS!

I grew up not celebrating the holidays for religious reasons.  That’s right, NO holidays.  So I was in an interesting position…I had all this time off but no added stress or obligations.

My co-workers who knew this used to tell me how lucky I was.  I remember thinking, “how sad is that?”  Here they wait all year for this time of year and yet when it arrives, the stress outweighs the joy.

As I left that religion, I wondered how my old beliefs would come together with my new beliefs – especially around holiday time.  Would I be okay with giving gifts (yes!), eating turkey on Thanksgiving (no problem there!), a Christmas tree in my house (so far, no).

One thing I realized I wanted was a part of the traditional holidays – more time with family and friends, the fun of finding the “perfect” gift for someone – but didn’t want the stress and overwhelm experienced by the people around me.   The question was “Is that even possible?”

Turns out, yes.  However, I’ve needed to be very strategic about it.  Here are my tips for surviving the holidays – newbie though I be!

GIFT GIVING – One thing I’ve done in the past, and will never do again, is buy a lame gift for someone simply because I “have” to.  It feels forced and deprives me of that warm and fuzzy feeling of giving in the first place.  There really is more happiness in giving than in receiving – when I find that perfect gift for someone.

Now when I don’t find the perfect gift, does that just mean “oh well, too bad for you.”  I’m thinking that wouldn’t go over well since reciprocity is the un-written rule of gift giving this time of year.  So my solution to buying a less-than-perfect gift?  I either make someone their favorite treat (chocolate, sugar cookies, etc.) or offer to take them out to lunch or dinner (on me) during the holiday season when they need a break.  What better offer than a gift of your time and attention?

 ”ME” TIME VS. “US” TIME – One reason I think people get so crazed during the holiday season is there is so much time spent tending to others.  I know there are many women who love the holidays just for this reason but admit to feeling a bit haggard once it’s over.

It’s important to balance the time you spend with others with the time you spend with yourself.  Holidays are supposed to refresh us and give us more energy, not deplete us.  And if we’re always giving to others but not “refilling our tank” eventually we’re going to run empty.

I have several “me” times that are becoming a ritual so I stay grounded during the holidays.  (*Note: if you have children, I realize these suggestions will take a little more creativity to implement.  But that’s no excuse not to do something for yourself!)

Day after Thanksgiving – For those who have Friday off after Thanksgiving (which should be a legal holiday by the way!), since Thursday was most likely spent with lots of relatives and friends, Friday is a great day for some alone time.  Last year, I checked into Bristol Harbour Resort (which was empty and cheaper because of the holiday) and spent the day and night reading, sleeping, hiking, and sitting by the fire in absolute quiet.  No TV, no cell phone, no computer.  It was oddly unsettling at first.  It’s only then that I realized how “noisy” life had become.

New Year’s Day – Now some people may not be in any condition to do any “heavy lifting” after imbibing the night before, but since I’m not a big drinker, I dedicate this day to contemplation – where I’ve been, where I’m at and where I want to go.  I reflect on the past year and I write the following: the top 25 accomplishments from the year, the top 10 distractions (always big AHA’s for me here) and my top 10 goals for the coming year.  To me, it’s the perfect way to start the New Year.

KEEPING RITUALS

Now this is where I think most people get it right.  Many families have rituals they’ve followed for years.  There is something comforting about familiarity and consistency.

Christmas Eve – For a long time, I spent Christmas Eve alone.  As I said, my family doesn’t celebrate and most of my friends had plans with their own families.  So with the stores closed and no one around, I started watching holiday-themed movies.  I usually whipped up some “special” hot chocolate (I said I wasn’t a big drinker, not that I didn’t drink at all , popcorn and watched back-to-back movies.  If you like chick-flicks, here are my recommendations: The Holiday (Jude Law – enough said!), Love Actually (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant – oh how did Bridget Jones choose?), and Notting Hill (Hugh Grant at his finest…hmm, are we seeing a theme here with British men?)

Trans-siberian Orchestra – If you’ve never heard of them, you’ve probably heard their music.  Their live show is inspiring and electrifying.  I’ve seen their concert the last five years (they always come to Rochester at some point during the holiday season) and I’m never disappointed.   Just think opera, classical music, rock music, and holiday songs combined!

Given your specific obligations and circumstances, these suggestions may not work for you as I’ve described them.  But the underlying principle remains the same.  It’s up to you to make sure the holidays are what you want them and need them to be.

Wishing you Happy Holidays and a Prosperous New Year!

Nancy Roberts & Chris Kenney

Last time we talked about the phenomenon that in almost any population, you will have 5% who are superstars, 15% who show potential, and 80% who for the most part will not ever rise to the top.

So the question that comes up is…Why don’t the 80% move?

Scientists may blame DNA and assume that if nature didn’t give a person the “right stuff”, no amount of nurturing will do it.

New Age Spiritualists may say “it’s not your time” for you to succeed. They may believe we continue to evolve over many different lifetimes.

Psychologists blame subconscious programming and beliefs. And here is where I start to become a believer!

What we know nowadays about the conscious and unconscious minds would confirm this. Let’s review.

Up until about age 7, our conscious mind – which can accept or reject ideas – is not fully developed. That means our subconscious mind is a sponge for everything we are told, taught and observe. And anything experience repeatedly or with strong emotion, imprints our subconscious and becomes a belief.

Unfortunately many of the beliefs we were programmed with about ourselves are not very empowering. That’s why they are called “self-limiting” beliefs. They are not necessarily true, but we believe them like they are true.

Maxwell Maltz of “Pshycho-Cybernetics” says that “All of your actions, feelings, behaviors, even your abilities are always consistent with your own self-image. You can never exceed the limits you put on yourself (although – you can set new limits by changing your self-image.)”

This means that if we don’t spend any time reprogramming the unconscious beliefs we have about our self – we will never exceed those limiting beliefs. Thus the 80%.

How does this show up in our life? Well, it looks like a trip from San Francisco to LA. It doesn’t matter how you travel to your destination (bus, plane, roller-skates) as long as you keep heading toward your desired location (LA), you will eventually get there.

But at some point, you get turned around. You start to question your path. Perhaps a detour came up that got you sidetracked. Pretty soon, you’re heading back to San Francisco.

Then, somehow, you get some new inspiration or information and correct your course and start heading to LA again. You make some progress. Maybe even make it halfway. But lo and behold, something happens and you get turned around again.

When this keeps happening, it is conceivable that you could spend your WHOLE LIFE going in circles and never reaching your destination. This is how it feels to be in the 80%. It’s not that they don’t want something different (they really want to be in LA), it’s that they don’t know what to do to stop reverting back to what their unconscious programming believes is comfortable and safe (San Francisco).

Next time, I will share a model that alerts you EXACTLY when you’re about to revert back. And I’ll explain what you have to do instead to make it to the 20% of top performers in any field.

Most people have heard of the Pareto Principle, otherwise known as the 80/20 Rule. The premise is that 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts. It can and does apply to most things in life:

• If you’re in business, 20% of your clients bring you 80% of your revenue.
• If you look in your closet, you likely wear 20% of your clothing 80% of the time.
• In any group of people, 20% will be top high achievers and 80% will struggle to reach high levels of success.

A few years ago, I was privileged to read a “secret” fax that Dan Kennedy (“millionaire maker”) sent to some of his advisors. He was warning them of a further application of this rule that he had seen in his 30+ years of working with business owners.

Here in part is what it said:

“Take any population (salesforce, high school, small town). It divides itself 5/15/80. 5% are stars, 15% are pretty good and 80% are clueless and useless.” (Dan’s words – not mine!)

“And if you take all the wealth away from the 5% and divvy it up amongst the 80%, in short order, the 5% will get it all back. Not really because they’re so exceptional. More because the 80% choose to be so unexceptional.”

Dan Kennedy is not one to mince words. But ever since I read this, I have paid attention to it and I see this concept everywhere.

The 5% excel NO MATTER WHAT. It doesn’t matter if they have no money, no mentors, no education – they succeed by doing whatever it takes.

The 15% have potential. It seems that if they do get the coaching, the education, or the right opportunity at the right time – they embrace it and will succeed.

However, the 80% – it doesn’t matter if they have the perfect circumstances, money, opportunity right in front of them, guidance, mentorship – they STILL won’t move!

And this is what we all have to remember. WANTING success or happiness or wealth isn’t enough. EVERYONE wants those things. But only 20% ever get them.

So the “moment of truth” question for you is – are YOU in the 20%? Here’s how you will know.

WANTING SOMETHING REALLY BAD
+
UNWILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET IT
=
LIFETIME OF DISAPPOINTMENT & FRUSTRATION

If you want something but are unwilling to do what it takes to get that thing, you are in the 80% who will languish at the bottom of success in any area.

• If you want freedom + but won’t quit your job = frustration
• If you want a relationship + but won’t do the necessary introspection to find out why you keep repelling people = frustration
• If you want more money + but aren’t willing to quit shopping = frustration
• If you want a successful business + but aren’t willing to invest in yourself or the business = frustration

This isn’t meant to discourage you. If anything, it’s a wake-up call. As Dan said above, it’s not that the 20% are so exceptional. It’s that the 80% CHOOSE to be unexceptional.

It’s a choice.

Every week when I publish my Ezine, I usually get very positive feedback.  Everything from “you go girl” to “that was exactly what I needed to hear.”

However, once in awhile someone will react badly to something I’ve written and take the opportunity to let me know about it and usually not in such positive terms.  These are some actual emails I’ve received:

• “It’s sad to see what you’ve become.” (from a former friend who shared the same religious upbringing as me)
• “You are preoccupied with success and money.” (from a reader who accused me of using money-mongering quotes)
• “Your marketing has gotten too SPAM-like for me.” (from a colleague who asked to be unsubscribed and yet has since re-subscribed)

I’ll be the first to admit that these criticisms sting.  Ironically, years ago I was hesitating publishing an Ezine for this very reason. I was so afraid I would be criticized or that people wouldn’t approve of me.

So you know what I did?  I chose to focus on only the positive responses I received.  Yes, I am still open to criticism – if it’s constructive.  But if someone is just looking to vent or bash me, I have no problem hitting DELETE and then UNSUBSCRIBE.

The reason I feel so confident doing this (AND HERE IS THE REAL POINT OF THIS ARTICLE) is because for the exact Ezine article these people have criticized me for I’ve received glowing accolades from other people.

• “I am so proud to see you owning your greatness.” (from a friend)
• “You are spot on.” (from a former client who agreed with my philosophy around money)
• “You are one of the most creative, inspiring entrepreneurs I have ever met.” (from a colleague)

When this happens, you really start to see that it has VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH YOU and much more to do with other people’s perceptions and opinions.  And how they perceive you, has everything to do with them.  It may sound trite to say ‘don’t take it personally’ but the truth is…it’s rarely about you.

Our coach, David Neagle, has drilled home for us this truth: “If it triggers them – it’s about them.”

So you could spend your whole life being careful not to offend someone.  And yet, you would still offend someone!

Where have you put off doing something because you’re afraid of criticism?  Where have you been criticized and it caused you to shrink back?  What is one thing you would do today if you knew you could gracefully handle any criticism that came with it?

Why not do that thing today?

Over the past few months, Chris and I have been attending local events for women business owners. We have heard at several of them, when reviewing the “mission” of the group, that they are not a “selling-organization.” They are for support, sharing of ideas and best practices, etc.

After observing what happens at these groups, please forgive me if I say “ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME?”

**Warning** major rant ahead…

First of all, many of the women in these rooms are broke. I know because I’ve sat down with them to discuss their businesses. They are barely scraping by. Second of all, women already have a reluctance to sell (discussed more in the article below) and now they are being told these groups are for support – not selling?

I admit when I was a struggling business owner, it did feel good to find out that others were in the same boat as me. What it did NOT do was help me grow my business!

But it wasn’t until I started hanging around successful business owners – people who were where I wanted to be – that my business started to change.

If you’re tired of struggling in business, and even more tired of talking about it, then it’s time to do something different. Join us over at et=”_blank”>http://www.myincome180.com/ for a new approach to growing a business – rapidly!

In the last two articles, we have been discussing three theories as to why women are naturally good at the interaction (connection) and often really bad at the transaction (asking for the money).

Low self-esteem
Taught to cooperate, not compete
Our view of sales

Here is the third reason!

No matter what business you are in – selling MUST take place for you to be in business. Yet many women are opposed to selling their services, one-on-one, in a direct sales conversation. Why is this?

Most likely it’s because sales has gotten such a bad rap. If you were to write down the first five words that come to your mind when you hear the word “salesperson”, you would probably write a list that looks something like this:

Manipulative
Greedy
Liar
Pushy
Self-serving

If this is how you view salespeople and selling, then of course you would never want to be seen like that! You’ll do anything you can to avoid people seeing you as pushy, selfish, manipulative, etc.
And if you’re doing everything you can to avoid sales,
I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and assume that you’re broke!
The solution is to reframe what you believe about sales. What we have to realize is that sales really does STINK! (Wait, how does that help us?) Let’s look at the following model:

Service
Teaching
Integrity
Natural
Key

SERVICE: When we break it down, most products and services are sold to help solve a problem. If that is what your product does, you are doing a service by selling it. We have to remember, sales is not something you do TO someone, it is something you do FOR someone.

TEACHING: Most sales are made by educating the consumer first. You’re either clarifying their problem for them, or teaching them how your product can be a solution for them. Either way, you are adding to their knowledge base whether or not they buy from you.

INTEGRITY: If you truly believe in your product or service, and you know it can help people – then it is within your integrity to tell people about it. As a matter of fact, if you know you can help people and you withhold that information, I would go so far as to say you are out of integrity by holding back.

NATURAL: I wish I had a dollar for every person who has ever said to me “I’m just not a natural salesperson.” To that I say, “Bullsh*t!” Have you ever had a second date? Then you’ve sold! Are you married? Oh baby, you’ve really sold yourself! You convinced someone that you are the right person for them to spend the rest of your life with. (Of course, they may now want a refund! We’re all born with the ability to sell. Just watch a 4-year old who wants a cookie. They will negotiate, conjole, bargain, cry, charm…whatever they have to do to get that cookie.

KEY: Sales is the lifeblood of your business. Again, if you’re not selling – you’re not in business! Mastering sales really is the key to business success.

The bottom line is you must reframe how you see sales and STOP hiding behind other activities in your business

Q: On a recent call with Chris, he talked about the problem of running away from pain and suggested that one of the ways to get motivated was expressing what circumstances you DON’T want in your life. Isn’t the Law of Attraction to attract what you desire through emotion and visualization of what you DO want the exact opposite strategy? I am confused? ~ Colleen

A: Hi Colleen. I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. Therefore, my goal isn’t to suggest you should constantly focus on pain and lack. What I think is productive is to think through the cost of inaction so you know how your decision to move forward in business or not impacts others. I don’t want you to constantly focus on it but rather just think it through so you are more likely to stay in action.

Also remember that both pleasure AND pain motivate. So the law of attraction is working with the part of the law that focuses on pleasure. Unfortunately, as humans, we are AT TIMES more motivated by pain than pleasure. And that is the key.

When you realize that you’ve been focused on your dream or desire for awhile but you’re just not getting anywhere, it’s time to evaluate your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you’re constantly spinning positive thoughts (like the Law of Attraction teaches) but not taking bold enough actions to get what you want – I guarantee you will be frustrated.

Instead, take a few moments to think about all that you will lose if you don’t reach your goal…and see if that doesn’t stir you to take bold action.

In the last article, I wrote about how as women, we are naturally good at the interaction (connection) and often really bad at the transaction (asking for the money).

I suggested three theories as to why this is:

Low self-esteem
Taught to cooperate, not compete
Our view of sales

On to the second reason.

Most women have been taught to be cooperative – not competitive. Though times are changing, think back to when you were young playing on the playground. What were the boys doing? Most likely fighting, racing, wrestling, name calling – whatever they could do to beat the other boys.

With girls, we were playing jump rope, or with dolls, or playing house. And if a little girl called me a name? I wouldn’t talk to her because she was mean. I wouldn’t try and one-up her. Or wrestle her to the ground.

You see, by and large, boys are trained to be competitive. To boast about themselves and their accomplishments.

Women are trained to be cooperative. Put ourselves down. Deflect compliments (“This dress? Oh it was only $9.99″). Never appear to be bragging.

So isn’t it obvious how this hinders us in selling ourselves or our products and services?

I’ve heard women in business, when asked by a prospect about their competition (“What do you think about so and so?), to sing their competition’s praises so well, the prospect wanted to hire the competition instead!!

I’m not saying you should throw your competition under the bus. But at least give yourself a fighting chance!

So how do we fix this? Since most of us are SO uncomfortable with the idea of self-promotion, here are a couple of strategies to get you started.

Stop deflecting compliments. The next time someone compliments you, simply say “Thank you.” You won’t believe how difficult this is.
Start letting yourself win. If you often let others win games (scrabble, euchre, wii, etc.) trying winning for a change. And when you win, be gracious not apologetic!
Stop dwelling on your mistakes and foibles. I heard Brendan Bouchard speak this past weekend. He said that science is showing more and more that anxiety and depression are directly related to how long we hold onto negative thoughts about ourselves and our situations.
Start putting yourself first. Take the last piece of pie. Choose the movie you want to see. Start asserting yourself in small ways – so when you need to assert yourself in a sales situation – it comes more naturally.
Stop thinking of self-promotion as a bad thing. Most men have the attitude “if I don’t sing my own praises, no one will.” And they are right! For the first three years in my business, I wouldn’t ask for a referral or the business from a prospect because I felt like I was good at what I do and people should just want to work with me. This is a delusion!

And for heaven’s sake, start thinking of sales as a good thing! In our next article, I will share how our view of sales keeps us broke.

Q: How do I get past the pain of the past? When I was a sales director a few years ago, I found myself always at the beck and call of my unit. I felt drained of all my energy and could not concentrate on my personal business. I eventually quit. Now I am heading toward directorship again and I have a team member that is draining the life out of me. My guts hurt because I don’t want to do this again. I have to be able to run my own business. I am about ready to quit again. ~ Carolyn

A: Hi Carolyn. Yours is a great question and one I think a lot of people struggle with. Not necessarily because they have a needy team member but because they seem to attract the same type of people or situations into their life over and over again.

The key for you is to look at why that may be. Why do you continue to attract people who are needy, dependent, and victims? Does that parallel anything else in your life? Are you always the savior? Do you give and give to others without them appreciating you or giving anything back?

If so, then this is just a recurring pattern. One you have to break if you are ever to get ahead in this business.

The other possibility is that you have suppressed your own neediness. Maybe you are uber-independent and self-sufficient. So other people’s neediness is especially unattractive. But just realize, you will attract what you can’t be with. Another way of saying, what you resist, persists.

These are just some areas to examine to understand why you may be recreating the same situation over again.

After coaching women business owners over the past three years, I’ve come to realize that as women, we are naturally good at the interaction and really bad at the transaction.

Connecting over a cup of coffee? NO problem!
Quoting our services proudly and confidently? Suddenly we get all squirmy.

The other day Chris and I were on the phone with a woman who was selling us her services and we were ready to buy. We were near the end of the call when I realized she never quoted us her price. When I asked her what people pay her for her service, she must have thought I said “how” because she went on about paypal, credit card, etc.

Here she was about to get off the phone with very interested prospects without ever telling us what her service would cost.

So why is it that as women, we have such a hard time asking for the money? I have three theories:

Low self-esteem
Taught to cooperate, not compete
Our view of sales

I’m going to tackle these separately over the next couple of weeks because, as you can imagine, I have a lot to say about each of these. .

LOW SELF- ESTEEM

When it comes to low self-esteem, it’s not like women have the market on this. There are plenty of men that have low self-esteem. But when it comes to business, women – more than men – get completely stuck because of a low “deserve” level. It tends to show up in three areas:

I don’t know enough…
I’m not worthy enough…
I can’t handle it…

Looking at these statements, realize that they all can be completed with “compared to…” And this is a BIG problem for women.

For centuries women have had to compete with each other for survival. (The most attractive and fertile were almost guaranteed a mate and protector.) Now that the threat for physical survival has passed – at least in our part of the world – it doesn’t mean that the psychological threat has lost its grip on us.

And while we may be unconscious to this need to be the prettiest, best, productive, etc. it still runs our behavior. Thus, our constant comparing ourselves to other women always leaves us feeling “less than”.

So of course we don’t feel like we are enough because we’re likely measuring ourselves against impossibly high standards.

If you find yourself doubting your skills, knowledge, service/product, etc. there is likely nothing wrong with them, just your view of them.

Here’s what has helped me recently:

I have a body, I am not my body
God gave me this body for a reason
I am unique, in that not one other person in this world has my unique blend of experience, wisdom, humor, talent, and insight so God must have given me this and want me to do something with it!
I may not know everything, but I know a lot more about what I do than my prospect.
To every 3rd grader, a 4th grader is a god.
Every mistake I make is a lesson to be learned, and then taught to others. Therefore, nothing is really a mistake.
I can only see the beauty, intelligence, competence in another woman if it exists somewhere in me. (Because we see the world, not as IT is, but as WE are!)

If low self-esteem is impacting your business or life, I would encourage you to really give these thoughts some serious consideration.

Next time, we’ll discuss the Cooperation vs. Competition challenge we face as women!